What has been your most effective form of disciplining your kids? When you answer, please include the age of your child at the time of the discipline. Also, I would be curious to know..."Do/did you spank your kids?".
Let's hear it.
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Ok, probably no surprise that we spanked our kids, but we did it early in their lives so that when they were getting older (7 and up) we didn't have to. There was no one method that I found the most effective, but I was always careful to spank with the palm of my hand rather than a belt or anything else. I just felt that was the only way to know exactly how hard I was spanking. I recall seeing people get a bit carried away with the strap when I was a child. Also, from almost the very beginning, the greatest thing that ever happened in regards to our children's discipline was the day Kim turned every bit of it over to me. She's not, as you know, an intimidating person in size, and I think she felt the kids wouldn't "fear" her. So, it became my job and mine alone, and she never went back on that. Instead, she always supported my choices and the kids knew from the beginning they'd be wasting their time if they tried to play her against me or the other way around. You must discipline, and you must be on the same page with that discipline. No if's, and's or but's about it!
Oh, and another thing. Many say that it's important to immediately hug your child and remind them that you love them after you've spanked them. This I don't agree with. Some therapists might say that it would send that child the wrong message and they might equate pain with love, maybe leading to poor choices for dating or marriage down the road. Don't know if that's true, but it kind of makes sense. But I say, once you've spanked them, let them know for a while that your angry and that their actions don't just go away after their hide has been tanned. Let it linger; send them to their room to think about what they've done or something, and let them see your disappointment in your face for a bit. When my daughter was older (just before becoming a teenager) she sassed me one night at a restaurant and rolled her eyes at me. She was, I felt, beyond the spanking age, so I shot her a look, told her she was WAY out of line, and it ended there. But it was what I did next that truly disciplined her. I let it linger. I was hurt and mad at the same time, and after two days of virtual silence treatment, she went to Kim with tears in her eyes and wanted to know if I was ever gonna talk to her again. Kim assured her that I would, and I did, that very day. But guess what? She hasn't rolled her eyes at me since. Let it linger. Let them know you're not happy. It works wonders.
"Prayer. I'm reading "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller. Here's a great quote- "Unless we become convinced we can't change our child's heart, we will never take prayer seriously." Jason Sterling (via facebook)
Our kids are 3 and 1. We were not against spanking but wanted to try non spanking methods first. I learned that a nice firm squeeze to the thigh or to their hand combined with a firm no got their attention...for a while. But eventually as the oldest got older we did spank. Here are a few methods I try to abide by:
- Punishment is borne out of anger and frustration, not given calmly to teach the child anything, but to make an irrate parent feel better.
- There must be a hierachy, a pecking order. Without it, a child is insecure, and this can lead to problems. Once you have addressed pack structure, and have done everything necessary to ensure your child knows you are at the top of it, the naturally occuring result will be a happy, secure, better behaved children
- we gain love and trust from our kids by providing for them; but we only gain respect from them thru discipline. Calm, Assertive discipline. No one like a screamer.
Cesar Millan "the dog whisperer"
Yes I must say that the Board of Education has met the seat of learning - more than once. In love its the right thing to do. Let's ask Nathan & Jenn, David & Amy - are you guys going to spank my grand kids?
Dale R.
Sorry Jonathan,
I really should read your blog before I respond.
Nathan is 28 and Amy is 24 - we don't spank either one at this age, but we do have creative ways to discipline them at this age. The best way so far is to randomly go on trips and don't tell them, and change the locks on the house.
We did spank both of them - and once (the last time) Amy turned around and told me that she hated me - this was over 12 years ago. I think she was kidding. My response to her - I laughed and tried to hug her. I believe all is good now.
Dale R.
"I like many of the principles in the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". The book talks about allowing kids to face the appropriate "natural consequences" to their behaviors. For example, if I tell my son, age 4, to pick up his monster trucks and put them away, and he chooses not to, the next morning the trucks will be gone... in time out (or the trash!) until he shows me that he is taking care of his other toys. If I am at the park with my 6 year old, and I tell him to come back when I call him, and he chooses to keep running further away, he will have to hold my hand and walk instead, until he convinces me I can trust him again. For our family, the natural consequence for defiance, lying, and attitude is "the rod" (yes, we call it that... at Walmart, my son once said, "look at all the colorful rods!" LOL!:) If they mistreat people as they get older, the consequences of the world will be much worse than a sore behind. Discipline is SO hard!!!!! I am so thankful for this parenting series. Luis and I say all the time (to each other) that we are "raising missionaries". This helps us keep perspective and reminds us to go to God for help and pray always for wisdom on how to help them become the men God intends. He has created them individually, and He knows them completely. He knows how to discipline them more than us. A pastor told me when I was pregnant with my first son, "Angela, if you believe the Bible is true, you have to spank."" Angela Valenzuela (via FB)
Hmmmm....yeah, we spanked both of our boys a time or two in the early years (2 yrs old to about 10 or so). We don't have any girls, but the punishment would have been the same.
You know not one time did either of our boys announce that they were leaving home after a spanking. As a matter of fact both of them at different times came to us after a spanking wanting to re-bond because they hated being disconnected to us afterwards. Nothing is worse than disappointing someone you love.
They know we love them. They love us. It's the same with my parents and you know what? Sometimes a firm spanking from God would be easier than to disappoint him with our own behavior.
Spanking has a way of dealing with disappointments of behavior and the consequences all at once.
It's biblical....you can debate all you want, but you can't erase it from the Bible.
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